storywalks | she's a work in progress

[She's just crouched and reached out to wiggle a wheel when Teo returns, and she's quick to get back to attention.]

Um --

[His apology makes her furrow her brows, and though she opens her mouth, she doesn't have words ready. Absolutely ridiculous. All those words she babbled out when no one was around, and double that number that ran around her head at all times. How does she not have words now? She tries again without giving much effort, because she knows she has to save it for what's next. After another beat of silence, Ryder takes the quick few steps to close the gap between them and bury her face in his chest. Her fingers curl in cloth so he can't escape too far if her pulls away. He's good. He shouldn't be apologizing because he's good, and if being near her made him happy, she wants to give that to him. It might also scare him, but she's certain -- and stubborn -- enough for the both of them. He deserves it, just as much as he didn't have to apologize for doing the right thing.]

[His smile falters and falls as she remains more or less silent. She has trouble, sometimes, he knows, but she's not usually completely quiet on him. Was it so bad, what he did? Is she annoyed? Angry? Disgusted?

When she tries and fails a second time, he starts to shrink in on himself, discouraged. He opens his own mouth to apologize again, to suggest he can go, if she'd prefer that.

Then she steps close.

His breath catches. He freezes, going utterly still.]

Ryder--?

[Her name is choked out, faint. He's definitely scared. This is so close. She could be so easily infected. She could be hurt, bitten, killed.]

What...?

[Even just her pulse could be making things harder, she realizes again when she can feel it quicken, both their nerves climbing. She shudders out an exhale, but holds her breath after to hopefully bring it back down, but mostly because she can tell how tense he's getting. He didn't want her to touch dried blood on his clothes. He wanted to keep a blanket between them. She's sure he wouldn't want her to breathe him in. It helps that she's still getting the path from her brain and her tongue on track, so there's no impulse to inhale in preparation of words.

Assured that he isn't, at least, going to push her away, Ryder loosens her grip on his clothes so that she can instead wrap her arms fully around him and shift to rest the side of her head on his chest instead. He doesn't have the same obvious traitor inside him, his heart dead and still instead of flip-flopping all over the place stupidly. Her eyes close and she pretends she can hear it anyway, own pulse serving as his for her imagination.]

...It's not fair.

[It's not news. None of it is fair, and everyone knows that already. It's the apocalypse, after all. But this -- Teo especially -- isn't fair in the least. Why him and not her? Why couldn't she know him before, so that maybe she could remember what he'd forgotten, or she could have become a better person than the one here now? Why did he have to feel so much for them all, every body whether there was life there or not? Why was he alone except for her?

How, despite all that, can he still manage to be like this?]

I just -- ...You're good. [Her heart hurts. She should probably breathe again soon. The thought makes her hug him tighter, reluctant to let go now that she's made it this far.] I wish you -- I'm just glad.

[That he isn't like the others, no matter who those "others" were.

She wishes she could do more without making him even more scared, Also without looking like a crazy person, frankly, because they just met, and he's missing chunks of himself both physically and mentally. Putting the "strange" in stranger, huh... Good work, Ry.]

I wanted -- to hold you. You're so good, I think -- I think you might not be real. So I-I wanted...

[But she's out of air, having forced herself to talk, to try to explain herself and all the feelings that she isn't sure how to name. It's time to step back again.]

[He's aware of her pulse. He's aware of the warmth of her. Just as the night before, it seeps into him, becoming his own. She wraps her arms around him and while he's still confused as to what brought this on, his throat feels tight.

She thinks his heart isn't a traiter but he feels rather betrayed by its stillness in the moment.

Her explanation only leaves him with new questions. How did he give her an impression like this? She's aching for him...

Then just like that, she lets go and he's left to grasp at air. Too late, too late.]

Little goose... I... [He glances away, blinks, then looks down.] I don't know if... that's true...

But I'm... really glad... you're real too...

[The nickname sprung so casually flusters her enough that her face goes pink and she no longer feels like she's at risk of crying, but it's almost ignored as he continues, making her shake her head. It was true. There was no changing her mind, not after he proved he cared for both living and dead the way he did whenever he could. Once she's caught her breath again, she peeks over through her bangs, takes another second, then wanders over again to take his hand. Her other hand moves to rest over the top, as if she's trying to warm him between both her own, but really it's more of a shield. Ryder brings their hands up, and presses her lips to her own fingers since she can't press them to his. Her blush burns even hotter.]

Um. This -- this one. ...Should work.

[To try and nudge them back in the direction of Fun despite her making things more awkward by the second. She is just the absolute worst? Ugh, burn her. Maybe all this fire under her skin will become real and she'll save them some future conversation about "hey Ryder what the fuck was all that", if she prays hard enough. She's never really prayed before now, but surely some higher power will do her that solid, right?]

[This is all so sudden. So overwhelming. He feels like he hasn't processed the hug at all-- She hugged him, just like that, she held onto him-- and then here she is reaching out again.

He makes a choked noise, something inhuman and automatic. He stiffens again, lesson still not learned.]

Ryder... Careful...

[His voice sounds even smaller than usual. She folds his hand in hers and his heart, still as it is, aches. And then she lifts it to her lips. His breath catches. He stares, wide-eyed. He doesn't feel her lips, but he can imagine it. The part of his brain that hasn't skittered to a halt does.

And then again she's going away, but this time he reaches out for her. He catches the edge of her sleeve, gripping tight. He pulls slow, still staring as he tries to draw her in. It's only when he's got her close that his brow furrows. He bends, his head bows, and he leans until his forehead touches to her shoulder.

He just... needs to stay here... just for a moment...]

[All her mental berating screeches to a halt and is replaced by panic as she's stopped -- the shrill squawk and honk of an idiot goose that got its head stuck in a bucket and is desperately flapping to get out. It nearly makes her flinch away. Then she's looking over to meet his blank eyes with her own worried, searching ones, and she gives way easily to his gentle pull. He's taller than her by more than half a foot, so she can't imagine it's very comfortable for him to rest against her like that, and it's still strange to be so close to someone in the first place...but where his forehead touches her skin instead of the fabric of her shirt, it's like a soothing, cooling balm for those burns she was over here causing herself. That arm doesn't move, not wanting to spook him away, but her other one reaches for him again. Just to hold him again in some small way. She knows her pulse must be upsettingly obvious where he is, fighting to leap from her neck and perform some wild drum solo she daydreamed of pulling off when she was twelve.

She doesn't know what this means and she's too afraid to ask. Too afraid to speak at all, really. She'd ruin it, whatever it is, and what would she do then?]

[Any fear would be understandable. Any jerking away, likewise, would make perfect sense. He's dangerous and he can just imagine that he's how to read. How easy it would be to mix up closeness with an attempt to bite. How easily his own impulses could overwhelm, as much as he hates to think it.

Yet still, she trusts him. She holds still, lets him close, lets him rest. She's so warm. And, indeed, he can feel the pulse of her, the breath, the life. The life...]

...You have to... survive... You've had to... look past... to do... things...

[He didn't consider Ryder to be callous at any point. Not even when she pointed out the man. He imagines that, before the end, such a thing would've done more than just given pause. It's not fair that she should feel guilty for that, when--]

You have... lots of heart... wonder... good...

[He's seen it. He's gotten to play along.]

This... is a gift... I'm awake... I'm awake... and I'm... here with you.

[He starts to let go.]

I promise... when my sweater's clean... then we can hug...

Edited 2021-12-26 01:18 (UTC)

[She wants to take shelter in his words, and she wishes she had a better mental image for that than a tiny version of herself crawling into the cave that was his ripped cheek, with its jagged rocks of teeth, then wrapping herself up in his tongue. Couldn't even be a tiny bit sexy, huh? Nope, just full gross and weird. At least it means that she doesn't feel too overwhelmed by his reassurances, and can leave it at a tiny nod and weak, breathy chuckle.]

Y-yeah. [Oof.] Mmmaking the laundry sound -- tempting.

[She hates how badly she wants to be close. She's not supposed to be like this. Had the writers changed this season? Or had this dynamic just been missing from the show this whole time, leaving this part of her character hidden? Either way, she has to get it together. Ryder huffs out an exhales and runs her fingers through her hair like maybe the urge is just something that can be tucked back into place, all better.]

For that, you gotta -- push me.

[Make her go fast!!!]

[He laughs despite himself, despite the moment. The weird, weird moment they've made. He starts to let her go, to draw back, feeling dizzy and not at once. She makes him laugh again, louder this time, the sort of laugh that makes him cough.]

Very well... onto your steed...!

[He does a dramatic gesturing bow for her, then gets in behind the cart, grinning and ready to run. Time to be extra stupid.]

[There's no graceful way to climb into one of these things, but she wants to play with his elegance, too! She lifts her chin in a way she hopes is refined, but really just makes her look haughty with how her face is more used to judgmental expressions, and sits along the side before deliberately swinging over one leg, then the other. But then she deflates back into that awkward, relaxed girl. Her smile is just a bit more ready than usual. Pointing ahead and onward -- ]

Let's Ryde!

[Refined, haughty, same thing right? All of it makes him laugh, raspy sorts of giggles and snickers slipping in between coughs. As fun as the game is, he definitely prefers the look of the awkward relaxed girl. He smiles fondly.

And then, with another choked laugh, he starts to push, building up into a run. No slow zombie here, he is full speed ahead, racing with her down the hall. He takes the first corner and near tilts her over, but manages to save her and the cart just in time. Another hall for them to race down.]

[His coughing worries her at first, even if she's gotten more used to it over time. How would he do when pushing himself physically? But it turns out her worries were for nothing, because she's getting zipped down the hall at a truly impressive pace, and there's a little shriek in her laugh as they round the corner, her fingers holding tight. It isn't a good idea at all for them to be doing thing, wasting time and energy, making noise... she hears it like a buzz in the back of her head, but her giggles are doing a fair job of drowning that out. If there are consequences, who cares? This was so, so worth it.

She turns her smile on him, exhilarated by both the ride and the fact that things with him are fun -- she's so lucky she gets to have fun, in a world like this.]

You're -- faster than I thought! Want a turn?

[Sure would be terrible if something were to happen right now. ~~Stares into the camera.~~ But Teo can't be bothered with that right now. He's having more fun than he can clearly remember having, and he's getting to listen to her laugh and let out playful shrieks, the only good kind of scream. He's giddy with this.

He flashes a grin at her praise, then nods rather enthusiastically. He offers his good arm to help her out, then moves to take her place. Show him how it's down, Ryder of the Apocalypse.]

[Something terrible can happen once they've had their fun. Gives the zombies time to figure out how to break through that hotel room door.

If getting in was clumsy, getting out is even more so, even with the help. Once they've each settled again, Ryder takes a moment to stretch her arms out before putting on a determined look. Here we go...!

Unfortunately, even if Ryder's got pretty good strength and endurance -- especially for an introverted reader -- she doesn't have that same unbelievable ability to push through pain and that worn out feeling that the undead do. Her body is still willing to give up, especially without death on her heels ~~yet~~. Teo will get the luxury of being sped around, but his turn doesn't last for quite as long as hers did unless she picks up again after a little break. Phew, just gonna...crouch next to the cart, hands still hanging on.]

Oh man... Shit. I'd better...wake up super ripped -- tomorrow. Guh...

[Instant gratification for these two labor-heavy days, please.]

[RIP them.

He's pretty excited, at first. But then, as she stares to show the strain of her exhaustion, not to mention, actually needing to breathe his excitement swaps out for concern. He makes an attempt to climb out of the cart himself, which is mostly successful, if also graceless.]

Are you... okay...?

[Stupid question. That's an obvious no.]

Hang on... gonna find... a sheet... I'll carry you up...

[Rest time for Ryder! Which means he's going to wander off and come back in a few minutes with that very thing in order to make this happen, unless she stops him.]

Hey -- [She reaches to stop him, mostly embarrassed but also thinking how unnecessary that all was, but there's a quake in her arm that cuts her argument short. Weakly, reluctantly,] Okay...

[Besides, this was how it was supposed to be today! Treated like royalty. Ryder sighs and ensures she won't be sitting on her axe and getting herself the dumbest injury ever before plopping down to wait. The few minutes it does take for him to return are agony, especially since now that their noise has settled, she can hear the creaks of a building not as empty as they'd hope and the overwhelming quiet. It wasn't as relaxing when there weren't words on a page becoming real in her head or when Teo was there to enjoy the silence with. He comes back and she lets out a sigh of relief before she can help it.]

So... Am I getting bundled -- up like it's a...a shock blanket? Or like I'm -- ghost?

[He hears the creaks while he's out looking for the blanket. For a moment, it gives him pause. Did they draw the dead? Or merely rouse the ones in the higher floors. Either way, it makes him uneasy.

He also hears her relief when she's back. It tugs a smile up on the remainder of his face.]

If you were... a ghost... this would be... easier... but a lot more... sad...

[He draps the sheet over her shoulders and it drapes down far enough. Good.]

Just want to... have a barrier... when I scoop you up... Ready...?

[Here goes...]

[More sad, huh? Hm.]

Ready...

[Even though it makes her feel ridiculous and like a child that fell asleep on the couch rather than a grown woman that's been doing a lot of running and lugging heavy things around and is now paying the price.

...She has...no idea how to be picked up... Just gonna...awkwardly make herself available to that?]

U-um, how do I... I mean, what -- um. [???? It feels like there should be a way to make this easier on him? And really, she's doubting again that this should be happening. She's tired and sore, yes. Of course! But is it too much? Is he just being nice, or maybe feeling like he has to make it up to her?] You -- you don't. Have to.

[Her faltering is... really cute. It does highlight the fact that this gesture is all rather silly. If he could, he might go a little red. But, while he could tell her to just walk herself back to bed, that feels needless mean and not nearly as fun for her.]

I know...

[He leans down and scoops her up, one arm under her legs, the other at her back. He smiles sheepishly at her.]

But this... is good...

[He readjusts his grip to be sure he's got a solid hold, then he turns from the cart toward the direction of the stairs.]

[If he says so... Even with his sheepishness, he's clearly more sure about the decision than her, so Ryder will bend to his confidence, though it means suppressing a little squeak of surprise as she's actually picked up. No more mentally giving him shit for being a twig, when he can not only shoot a bow and arrow, deliver her a sack of books like apocalypse Santa, and carry her like she's a princess. He's surprisingly sturdy! Still, she finds herself fumbling for something to cling to as if afraid that he'll drop her.]

Sorry...about cutting -- your fun short. If -- I were a ghost, I would have haunted -- the shit out of that cart. Given you the best ride.

[The magic of zombie-ism. Or perhaps he's just always been a bit of a wanderer and all his strength from that is somehow stored in the wirey build. Whatever the cause, he is, in fact, quite sturdy.

A good thing too or he might've had some trouble with her making him laugh.]

I would have been... grateful... for the Ryder ride... but I still... had fun...

[And that's a rare thing in the apocalypse.]

[R-Ryder...ride... Somehow tacking her name onto it dials up the suggestiveness in her brain. Thank god she hadn't settled on this name in high school already. She can just hear the sarcastic chorus of "Ryder? I hardly know her!" mocking her. Anyway, she's grateful for the sheet, because maybe it will be a barrier not only for zombie infection, but for the way her temperature is a tad higher now.]

Hnn... Good. Um -- I'm glad.

[She makes a funny face and he tilts his head at her, curious and amused. But, ultimately, she is spared from embarrassment. There is something important at hand.]

I thought I head... movement... around... Did you...? I'm thinking of... going to look...

[Oh. That is indeed something more important. Ryder still feels awkward about it, but not nearly as badly.]

Yeah... I guess I got -- pretty, um...loud. Sorry.

[She doesn't want him to leave her behind, but she recognizes that in comparison to him, tireless and able to move through hordes with ease, she's useless. She'd only make things worse, and she might have caused the problem to begin with. He'll be safer without her this time, now that there isn't a living human element in play.]

I -- think it was all from the -- upper floors. I don't know. It's hard to tell...

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