storywalks | she's a work in progress

[Happy. He makes her happy. She makes him happy. They might be the two strangest people in the world right now, for that. What better people to be? Though, his state of being alive is still in question.

She leans back and he freezes, which is stupid. But he can't help it, conflicting urges utterly paralyzing him. It's not safe... I'm so hungry... Please don't leave...

Her own words are no less vulnerable, no less paralyzing. More, she says, but he can't imagine her being less.]

Little duck... I'm scared... that I'll hurt you...

[He doesn't push her away. But, his hands lower down to brace on the bed. And a little bit to tangle his fingers in the covers.]

Not going anywhere... I won't... but I'm... afraid...

[She's so close. She's so warm. He can feel her pulse, he's certain of it.]

If you... wrap yourself... in a blanket... can I... hold you?

[He could hold her regardless, which is a strange feeling. There was only ever her mother to do it before, and the idea that anyone else might had always kind of...disgusted her. Even now if she considers it, it makes her want to shiver far more than the fact that Teo is frozen behind her. She's scaring him. He's afraid of himself because of her. She feels bad about that, and about how she doesn't feel as bad as she probably should, too busy reveling in the fact that he wants to hold her and she wants to be held by him. Ryder sits up again, which would be an even greater relief if he really could feel her pulse, with how his request made it pick up pace. Her breath shakes a little as she inhales, but her nod is firm.]

Yeah. Um, we -- should go to bed, then. You know. Spoons. [Falling asleep in his arms sounds like...a really good end to this good day. It was a little early, maybe, and would probably end up as more of a nap on her part, but it counts because she says it counts. Besides, the cozy feeling filling her up, the post-bath satisfaction, and her hard work are the perfect recipe for sleep. Getting to her feet, Ryder only wanders briefly to retrieve a bag of jellybeans that had long since become a conglomerate she'd have to unstick from itself to eat before returning to her side of the bed and giving an apologetic look.] Sorry.

[She should have taken the opportunity to eat when he was out hunting... Her determination required her to fix the bath problem, though. Brain said "you gotta". She holds the bag in her teeth as she wraps herself up in a blanket cocoon and flops down to feel embarrassed until he actually came to do that holding thing.]

[She's going to allow this. She's going to let him close, but in a way that feels safer, maybe. His own breath is shakey with nervous as he repeats after her.]

Spoons...

[Does this change what they are? Was he ever sure what they were? He can't recall if they'd even declared each other friends. He sets the comb aside whilst she slip away too, feeling the lack of her acutely. She apologizes and she shakes his head.]

Nothing to... be sorry for...

[She bundles up and lays herself down. He hesitates a moment too, his own embarrassment catching up at last, along with his nerves. But he lays down behind her, settling himself before he reaches out. His arm drapes over and pulls her in. He settles his forehead against the back of her and closes his eyes, just... feeling this.]

Don't... say anything... too nice... I'm... trying not to cry...

[Just don't expect Ryder to be able to define whatever this is, either. Friends for sure -- very strange friends. He's still her spooky godfather. They're roommates. She might even have the thought that if she saw characters acting like this, she'd say they were falling in love. But Ryder isn't one of the protagonists or charming side characters. She was that grumpy background npc with an interesting design and maybe a few lines here or there, but ultimately not someone worth remembering. Certainly not the type to be paired off except for in maybe one in two thousand fanfics. She's just Ryder and he's just Teo. For now, that's more than enough for her.

His comment brings out a breathless laugh that interrupts the anxious biting of her lip and trainwreck of thoughts that ultimately meant nothing. She squirms just a little, settling in more comfortably now that she has him there, before quietly breaking off a blob of jellybean to suck on while her fingers peeked out the blanket to cautiously run along his more spindly ones. So...very strange. She doesn't mind it.

Don't say anything too nice, huh?]

Prayer of the Selfish Child -
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my toys to break
So none of the other kids can use 'em.
Amen."

[There. Nice and bratty.]

[Her fingers run over his making them twitch, giving her more definitive proof of life ("life") and giving him the impulse to tell her to be careful, which he fights back down. This whole thing is not careful. It's just him wanting to hold onto some connection to this earth that wants him.

Then comes her little prayer and he coughs out a laugh. Not too nice indeed. It's effective. It feels slightly less likely that black ink will spill down his face. He squeezes her, just a little.

He is not the sort to be maudlin about what any Lord will or will not take in these new times. But, he hopes that death will not take this one any time soon.]

Goodnight little duck...

[Her private smile grows at the laugh. As rough and undead a sound as it was, something right out of a horror game, she found it unbelievably beautiful. It unwinds any reservations she still had about someone being so close with the assurance that he is that someone. The bag crinkles as she carefully draws the rest of the lumpy jellybean patty out so that she'll be quieter as she finishes it, not wanting to disturb the peace of this moment more than she already has.]

Goodnight, sweet snowbird.

[Unfortunately, when she falls asleep herself, she's less good about that whole keeping still thing. Wrapped up as she is, she can't move about too much, but she certainly tries, managing to squirm her way onto her back and throw her freer arm across the one he has around her with an unintelligible murmur. A leg has also fought its way out of its robe and blanket prison. Good thing that rest is more of a luxury than a necessity for him...but if he tries to ever pull away from the woman worming around, he'll be met with more grumbles and a further attempt to turn and bury herself in him -- never successful. There's always that darn, soft barrier in her way.

It's a confusing state to wake up in, taking a while to recall as much as she was overwhelmed by the idea of it prior. Oh. Right. Falling asleep with Teo against her. Weird. Nice.

Grhnmn she has to wake up and...do things... Let him do things. She doesn't want to...and when she shifts to try and push herself up, her arms are too sore and wobbly for her to want to do that for long.]

Nooo... My hubris. Teo? Help m' up. [She could do it by herself if she needed to, but why? Butler!!!]

[Will she ever stop managing to make him laugh? Only time will tell.

Though he's first to fall quiet, she's still asleep well before he is. She moves about a lot and it's rather charming which, yes, he can mostly say because he doesn't need sleep in the same way. He considers talking back when she does with his own undead garble but acknowledges that that probably will wake her up as it would any survivor.

He never lets her arm stray too close to his face. He catches it and lowers it down, but he doesn't let go of her when he could. He stays to revel in her warmth, her breathing, and her sleepy noises. When she burrows, with the cover between, he pats her head.

He dozes a little more in the morning, when her movements slow, only to wake to her plaintive call. Another breathy chuckle from him, he scoops his arm beneath her back to prop her up.]

Sitting up...? Or... on your feet...?

[With his help, Ryder doesn't protest being upright anymore, though she squints to get through the sleep still making her bleary. Sitting up or on her feet... She has to consider it for several seconds. When she comes to a decision, she nods and reaches over to lightly pat him in thanks wherever is most convenient -- arm, head, chest, leg, whatever. All good, as long as he knows he's appreciated.]

I got this.

[Sitting up was the hard part, and she can stand on her own, especially since she's going to be poking through her half-unpacked backpack to find meds and water. Hm, without a way to keep time, she'd just have to guesstimate when it hits around the right time every day, even if they manage to keep things predictable. Things she did not consider when worrying about osteoporosis and daydreaming about somehow upgrading to a C-cup despite all the years in which this had never happened.

...Speaking of which, her robe sure had...loosened up in the front, she's belatedly realizing. Thank god it hadn't completely opened up -- now that her brain is starting to properly kick in, she's not sure if she could handle that after a night of cuddles. Time for proper clothes!!! and as covert changing one can manage while remaining in the same room as another person and cursing over an aching body. When she dramatically sits on the edge of the bed again, she decides to take some extra time just...faced away. Until she can stop feeling so flustered. Not looking helps her speak, too.]

Um. How're you doing? You were moving okay -- yesterday. Your gunshot isn't hurting too much, is it? I know you said you can push past things, but... [SHE KINDA FEELS LIKE A DICK FOR WHINING ABOUT THINGS...]

[Despite every insistence that she'd need his help yesterday and a moment ago, of course when it really comes down to it, she'd still tend to herself. She gives him a pat and he fondly shakes his head.

He watches until she starts pulling out clothes. It's then he looks away, offering her that small bit of privacy. It would probably be better to go out in the hall, but she doesn't ask him to leave or even announce her plans to change.

He feels it when she settles back on the bed, for which he glances at her but looks away again, once more offering privacy if for the sake of comfort instead of dignity. He assures her.]

It's okay... Already... mostly settled down... Only bothers... if I pay attention...

[It hurts, but it doesn't hurt. It does demand his focus.]

Won't get better... won't get worse... all fine...

[She listens and nods, though she has an unhappy frown where he can't see. It wasn't exactly good to hear, even if there was nothing to be done for it. Ryder starts running her hand through her hair, stopping to scratch at her scalp for a moment, and when her hand drops back into her lap, she falls backwards with a sigh. She watches him upside down.

"For maybe in another world
Another time
Another town
Maybe HE is right side up
And I am upside down."

She didn't feel like laughing at him like the kid did with the Upside-Down Man, though. Mostly it just made her ache in a whole different way she doesn't quite understand, just like she doesn't understand this new way to be lost for words. She'd always had reasons not to talk, but it felt...different. Looking at him and trying to understand it wasn't serving her very well, so maybe it's best to just -- not. Goodbye, thoughts. Feel free to check back later if it's a better time.]

Do you think --

[Her question catches and she looks away, a little baffled that the new track her brain had hopped to included raising chickens and growing a garden. Those weren't even things that had been interesting to her before society broke, and nowadays it would be even greater a struggle to do. Besides...could they really settle somewhere for good? Would the world allow that kind of thing? Even if it did, they have plans coming up to travel. It didn't...matter. What a ridiculous thought.

But since he feels more or less fine, she should ask...]

Um. What's the plan today?

[He glances over in her silence. She's worried. He wishes she wouldn't. There's nothing either of them can do, so it's no good letting it take up her mind and eat at her. He wants to go back to hugging her close, but she's not safely wrapped anymore.

She speaks, then cuts off. His head tilts. Her question pulls at a faint smile.]

The plan was... I'd look after you... but now... you're all looked after... I have... nothing to do... except look for... more things for you...

[But... he kind of doesn't want to leave now, after committing to the idea of sticking around for a day.]

What were you... going to say...?

I wouldn't say all looked after... [she ventures jokingly, though she doesn't even have a vague idea of what more she could have him do for her. She kind of just wants to...stay in bed. That's no good.

Then he's pursuing the topic she'd moved on from, and she chews her lip and drums her fingers nervously on her stomach.]

It's -- stupid. [Her voice is a shy mumble. She isn't looking at him anymore.] Um. ...I thought of a name. For -- this place. Like we'd make something of it, or -- I don't know. I-if we'd stop somewhere -- someday. How we'd make that...work.

[He grins a little wider but doesn't press. He's more focused, for the moment, on the thought that almost got away. She's anxious, but he's patient and he hopes that will help make things easier.

He looks up in thought, then he shakes his head.]

I don't think... it's stupid... [He smiles.] We've gotten... this far... I handle the dead... you handle the living... as long as... we both have food...

[He angles more towards her.]

What's the name...?

[His words were meant to ease, give a basic foundation for her confidence to build upon, but his musings are met with a deep grimace. There was...a problem with that. Still, he wants to hear her thoughts on it, and that's enough to slowly coax her on over to the idea again. To keep herself from tapping out SOS in morse code, Ryder curls one arm around herself and brings the other up to her mouth to chew at her thumbnail.]

Um. "Every Witch Way". Like -- like witches, but -- you know. Traveling...but also it's -- for everyone.

That sounds fun.

[He means that. He's not just humoring her. It keeps the game and he likes that. His tilts up.]

Would need to... clean up a lot... but it could be... a project...

[If they actually went through with it, it would invite people in. This could be very nice or very bad, depending. It'd be hard to guess which way things would go.]

[Ryder's tone, even though she only hums a short response at first, is somehow unhappy. It does sound fun. It would definitely be a project. Who knows how long it could take? But that isn't really the problem -- she could do with having something to steadily work at, especially something like this where it sounds like it could make both Teo and her happy.]

I'm no good with the living.

[That gives him pause. Looking back, he should've expected it. He hums, thinking over what to say. His words are particularly soft now.]

You didn't always know... I wasn't...

[She'd done well with him, in his opinion. But maybe being dead really is the reason for that.]

We don't have to... invited anyone... we don't have to... do or give... anything... Whatever you want... that's what... we do...

[He has a point, but she also has to wonder how valid a point that is. If he were alive, he wouldn't insist she keep her food. He wouldn't keep so much distance. He wouldn't be so unbelievably lonely that she seemed like a fine choice in friends. He'd still like weird romance novels, probably, but even if reading were enough to bring them together, gathering up all those books wouldn't have been nearly as safe for him. He couldn't have done it, and he couldn't have coaxed her out of her shell as easily. Even not seeing his face for that first while had helped her be able to speak up -- barely.

Ryder rubs the heel of her palm into an eye, internally shaking her head at herself. This is so dumb. She shouldn't have said anything. With a sigh, she props herself up again so she can flip over and crawl back over to him instead, letting her face bury into the mattress without consideration for breathing or comfort.]

It's what we want. [...If he can understand her, anyway.]

[He's quiet a moment. It's not just that she seems upset, or that he doesn't know what to do, but it's her correction. What does he see when he's perfectly happy? What does he do when he has what he wants, all besides the people in a letter that he's not sure still exist?]

What we want...

[He sighs softly then goes to lay down at her side. His fingers finger her sleeve, curling in the fabric in lieu of touching her.]

I can't... have people... not the same... maybe from... a distance... if they thought... I was worth enough... to them... once they found out... If people are... going to forgive me... for being dead... they have to... really like me... and I don't know... if everyone will...

People... you... are what I want... I keep that... by giving... whatever I can... don't think... that I have less... because of that... I'm happy, Ryder.

[After a pause, Ryder turns her head to study him. What a heavy morning it's turning out to be...but maybe that's not much of a surprise, after last night. They sure did jump over some strange intimacy fence that had been covered thoroughly in barbed wire, and here they were loitering around it some more.]

That's stupid. You don't -- need to be forgiven. It isn't your fault.

[But she understands what he means, sort of, and sighs as she glances over to where his fingers fumble about.]

I don't want -- you buying my friendship. I want to think you don't have to. [She feels heat rising up again, but the burning is more behind her eyes and threatening tears than anything. Is she so awful? Does he really think he is so awful?

He's happy. Ryder closes her eyes and breathes to remind herself of that. He's happy with her, so it had nothing to do with just how terrible she was at making friends or just at being, this time. Even if they found others that accepted him, Teo wouldn't immediately jump ship to appeal to them, right?

Her hand comes up, palm out to him, in a silent request for him to take her hand. She honestly can't say she expects him to, and it's pretty selfish of her to try anyway because what she wants is what he wants, according to him, so shouldn't he do this for her? Very, awfully, terribly selfish. Maybe she wants him to buy her friendship after all.]

..."Don't ever let anyone
who claims that they love you
treat you as if you're ordinary.

Because, even at a distance,
I've seen the way you love.
I've seen it so intently
that I could almost feel it, too.

And the last thing I could
ever recall feeling again
is ordinary."

[She won't have to get along with the living, if he really is as happy as he says, but she might choose to, eventually. Maybe. For him. For now she wants to keep feeling special.]

[Nice to see her face, not hidden by blankets. Too bad it means she's looking at his, with eyes that seem flat and blank, a face half torn, hair draping down. He's still capable of looking sad when she says that.

He doesn't think he meant to die. No one wants to be bitten. He didn't want to be what he is. But he knows it's not as simple as that. He's hurt people. Existing, still, hurts people. The risk remains.

Which is why, when she reaches up, he hesitates. He looks uncertainly into her eyes, then back to her hand. He draws his own back, fusses with his own striped sleeve until it covers the reach of his fingers and he can make yet another small barrier between them. But he does hold her hand.

Her words, in tandem with this, make his dead heart flip over itself. Love, she says, but she can't mean that. It's too much. She's quoting. He can tell by her voice. And yet, they hold each other. He tries to tease.]

I think we are... anything... but ordinary...

Edited 2021-12-03 23:55 (UTC)

[There he goes again, bending his rules for her. She probably shouldn't find that so soothing, especially when he was right and there was always going to be a risk as long as she was around him. She can't even get the same warmth from him as he does from her...but it's far, far better than nothing. He gives her even more with his words, making her laugh a little and rebury half her face. She still watches him with the one eye, uncertain but feeling calmer by the second knowing he's with her.

Love would be much too much, but she didn't feel right clipping it down to the middle bit -- the part that reflected the kindness she saw in how they'd "met" -- on its own. Not only does it do a weird tickle to her brain to leave a quote so incomplete, but Teo's right, and she'd wanted him to know she knows. Neither of them are very ordinary in any meaning of the word. Even if the only ones that knew every way were them.]

No. We're -- definitely weirdos. I guess the -- type of people that would renovate a hotel -- in the apocalypse and -- and not run it. [Hm...] We can look...for other places. Something -- like this. And we'll come back if there -- isn't another Every Witch Way.

[It would just be about them until they decided it wasn't.]

Wish we could bring everything with us. [Her smile then is more to herself.] I was a nightmare to move into student housing. Wanted -- all my things. They weren't even useful like -- what we have here.

[Her confirmation makes him laugh. Definitely weirdos. He's okay with that.

He considers her plan and then gives a nod. That seemed like a fair compromise between keeping a lookout and settling down. He has urges for both and reasons for them too.]

Student housing... College...? Or... private school...?

[He thinks for a moment more, frowning in thought as he digs through his ruinous mind.]

Don't think I... did either...

[Compromise accepted, her remaining tension melts away. She keeps her hand in his anyway, and his question has her scoffing out another quick laugh.]

College. No way could we do private school... Even if it didn't think I was going -- to Hell for existing, we couldn't afford it. I only made it into college on -- grants.

[Actually, let her move onto her back, letting go with one hand but not letting him get away from holding onto the other. There. Now she can talk more comfortably, since they're back to things that don't make her feel like something deserving of being hidden away underground.]

Chances are if you did -- there wouldn't be anything worth remembering. Unless -- you had yourself figured out. You might've. [Teo was a surprising individual, so it was possible he was that way when he was alive, too.] Um -- food service. You prepared food at -- your job, right?

[He makes a face at that first explanation. Then shrugs.]

Their loss... We're having... a great time... here in hell... if you ask me...

[He makes sure that, even as she switches hands, his sleeve doesn't drop too much and leave her unprotected. He does like that he can see her face again. But, despite wanting to look at her, he closes his eyes to try and think.]

...Not sure about that... Not sure... in general... I like... the thought of it... of cooking... but it's... hard to remember... a specific place... I remember... driving... I remember... radio... and fields... and cities...

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