storywalks | she's a work in progress

Huh?

[What? Sorry? What did he say? Just suddenly his mouth wasn't doing what it had been doing when she zoned the fuck out, and part of her absolutely hates that. The other part is busy hating herself, because what the fuck is she doing watching him lick his fingers like that? God. Maybe she'll do another sweep of the hotel and see if anyone packed a vibrator, if she doesn't calm the hell down on this weirdass train of thought. She's found the batteries. Is it being in a hotel? Is that it? Having another body so close at night? Maybe. It doesn't matter. Jesus, just stop thinking and remember what the words that came out of his mouth were.]

Dude, seriously. [A weak punch to his sternum.] You are underestimating yourself. Maybe -- it's because apocalypse food, sure, but it -- was more than I ever thought -- I'd have again. [She liked her weird lentil and tomato paste mash!!!] Anyway -- anything?

[Apparently, while he was busy with food, Ryder had been elsewhere. He smiles crookedly for that. He lets out another wheeze at her punch, one that may or may not be another laugh.]

I guess it's... decent for... apocalypse food...

[Better than what he's doing. But, he really is glad to have given her something more than she's been having... however long it's been.

He shakes his head.]

No specific memory... Sorry... Don't think it was... significant... maybe just... something made before...

[Ryder wants back on food planet. She's mortified. There is something seriously wrong with her!! Being enamored by The Shape of Water was one thing, but this is next level freak...and he didn't even remember anything.]

Mmm. So not -- first time cooking for a partner -- kind of dish. [Really, Ry?

Well, at least they sort of can guess that he knew a vegetarian. Hopefully he hadn't been one himself. That would be a pretty cruel twist, due to his new diet.] I mean, it was worth a -- shot even if it hadn't meant I got a kickass breakfast.

[RIP Ryder.

He laughs, then shakes his head.]

No... nothing like that... [He pauses moment, eyes closing. First times...] Always made... breakfast... for partners... anyone... maybe family... I remember... the sounds the lights... would make... That doesn't... make much sense.

[He opens his eyes and smiles sheepishly.]

You did?

[Even that little bit has her perking up, looking hopeful again. Much more preferable than horny, especially in this case, though she'd claim both are alien feelings to her. That didn't matter -- this news did! This was something, maybe! Maybe he'd remembered that before now, though... Well. Not going to dwell on that too much. She wants to hold onto that more precocious sense of optimism he'd given her, so: sounds of lights...]

You mean like light switches? Or the buzz some -- do?

I think so...

[He mutters that for the first question, frowning as he tries to pull at more. The second gets a nod.]

The buzz... Restaurants... and... an apartment... There's an apartment... with bad lights... that buzz... it's over the sink... but there's also... a house... and those lights... they're quiet... and warm...

[She hums, a little disappointed along with her measured excitement. That was something they'd need electricity for, if she wanted to recreate it. No good, then.]

You're used to spoiling -- people, huh... Different places, but you feel like -- you did all that everywhere. You must've been popular.

[They really wouldn't have gotten along back then, huh... It's too bad. It makes her feel like she's lying to him now, as someone he says he doesn't want to lose. She's only there because of something awful that half the time she feels the world deserved.

But she is there, and whether or not he would have thought so before, it's impossible to doubt that he enjoys having her around now, no matter what her brain tries. Someone that didn't enjoy her company wouldn't be going out of their way with all of this -- way too much effort to go to waste.]

Sorry it didn't get you more than that. The -- memory stuff. I guess, um. Dumb for me -- to think. It could be easy.

[She wears a strange expression then. It's hard to read. She seems both happy and sad at once. He hopes it's not a sadness that runs too deep.

He laughs softly. He gives a shake of his head.]

Popular... I'm not... so sure...

[He doesn't feel like someone who'd have won of crowds. But then, he doesn't really know for sure, does he? He just has a letter.]

Not dumb... helpful... kind... I'm grateful... Besides... I don't think... I could handle... all memories... at once...

Hnn. No way you weren't.

[He's too nice, talented, and probably not just attractive because he dared to give her attention and be something out of the ordinary -- dead-ish.

Teo's assurance makes her smile awkwardly, lopsided and ready to disappear out of embarrassment.]

No. That'd -- be way too much.

[But still!!! "I cooked for a lot of people in a lot of different places" was more confirmation than something new. The biggest puzzle piece they got was "breakfast" specifically, and that could just be because he had...made her breakfast, albeit an unconventional one. If he made her dinner, he might have remembered "dinner".

...Had waking up next to her sparked anything? If he was there to make breakfast for people --

Well, you know. Popular.]

Um, do you need -- to go eat something else, though?

[It didn't sate his hunger, right? Even what worked...didn't. She's not sure she would have ever wanted to have woken up to personhood again the way he did, when life would be that cruel.]

[He huffs, turns, and bumps her arm with the side of his, in lieu of using his knuckles. You have no proof, Ryder of the Apocalypse.

It would help a lot, to remember. He wants to remember. But he also can't forget how he felt waking up, how overwhelming it had been, even when it came slow.

He smiles faintly over the novelty of her asking him that outright, even if the topic isn't his favorite. He shakes his head.]

I don't hunt... every day... My head's... still clear enough... I'll give it... a while more... No more than... a week though...

[Especially not that long when he's spending so much time with a living person.]

Lot's of time... for messing around... instead.

[Head's still clear enough... That's a worrying thought even in a mundane sense, and in Teo's case it's a lot more dangerous and sad. So about a week was his limit, huh? She'd have to be sure to keep track and be ready to help, just in case. Distracted as she is, and as useless as her brain has decided to be today, Ryder startles a little when he rasps about messing around. Then she realizes that's fucking dumb, and her shy smile is back.]

Yeah? [A day to do their best to forget about the horrors of the world around them and have fun, huh?] I was -- thinking boring stuff. Laundry... But that sounds -- like a lot of work. You made moving worth it, but -- still sore, heh. What kind of fun should we have?

Laundry would be... nice... Tomorrow maybe...

[Been a long while since his clothes got a good wash. Probably the same for her. He hums in thought.]

Bet there are... laundry carts... or cleaning carts... somewhere in here...

[He grins at her.]

Wanna go... for a joy ride...?

[At least she had the freedom of swapping her outfits out, now that they've been in two places inhabited by large groups of people and she wasn't intent on being as recognizable as possible. If someone can forget her, especially someone that knew her before all this, that's just fine. She knows exactly who she is, and doesn't find that person...nearly as necessary to the world.

Despite her ease with Teo's oddities, his smile is still something to get used to. Dead eyes and torn faces are unfortunately everywhere these days, but they aren't exactly looking at her with happy mischief. Very few ever have. She's probably not supposed to find it nice, even if her morbid fascination is understandable.

This man is trouble...]

This -- wasn't what kind of Ryder I was thinking when I chose my name. [That's a yes, and she's setting her spoon down so she can take him by the arm and start heading out.] This way! I saw some yesterday!

[That's his secret, cap. Being selfish enough to want to exist. Even if he's the opposite of necessary.

None of the necessary things make him happy anyway. It's all hotel rooms and joy rides from here.

He lifts a brow.]

You chose your name...? Cool...

[Good choice, he thinks. He links arms (his unbitten one) easily with her, pleased by the contact that's relatively safe.]

Off to find... the valiant steed...

[She holds herself a little straighter at his approval, trying to not look too pleased. It feels strange to know that not too long ago, that sort of comment would have made her grimace and want to push him away. Here she was now, doing the dragging along.]

Mm. Didn't hate the other two, but -- [She shrugs rather than finish her sentence, still embarrassed even if she's able to relax more with Teo these days. They just weren't "her" anymore, and moving to another state had been the perfect opportunity to try something new.] Yours -- was it a memory? Or in your letter?

[He tilts his head, curious, especially that there are two, but he doesn't ask. She'll tell him if she wants to.

His face scrunches a little. He glances aside.]

Felt right... but... I'm not sure... I was... stupid... My hands were...[He hesitates.] bloody... got on the letter... when I found it... can't read the name... to be sure now... But it felt... like I should... be Teo... Dream of it...

[He overestimates how interesting she thinks he'd find that... If he asked, she'd tell him, but thinking to explain on her own? Why? Who could really care about it?

She finds his predicament much more compelling, and she looks over and up at him with a little frown of her own. 'That wasn't being stupid,' she wants to tell him. 'You must have been scared. I doubt you meant to. You reached out for whatever you could to know whose bloody hands those were.' But even with him, that's a lot of words, and as much as they got each other better than what she was used to, she couldn't say for sure that she was right about it. He might not even know for sure. There's just...a lot.]

...Then you're Teo. Simple as that. It's like -- my book. Any -- number of endless possibilities, but it's really whatever you feel.

[Regardless of what it might have been before, even...though that's less helpful to him, when he just wants to find someone that knows him. Not everyone can share the name they feel.]

[In fairness, hearing her state things like that, it'd be hard to ask anything more. She said it perfectly. What feels right is what things are.

He looks at her in wonder, deeply touched. He moves to lightly bump her side.]

Thank you... Ryder...

[He had been afraid when he woke. Seeing the blood on the letter was the first time he really noticed the blood on himself. He'd gone to wash it off and got a real, true look at himself. It hadn't been a good day.

But she doesn't look at him like that at all. He's grateful for it.]

[His attention, expression soft even through lifeless eyes and a permanent rigid grin, gets her to glance away again and chew at her lip. It still tastes a little like lentils and tomato. She wonders if she's got food on her face like a clueless idiot, and if she hadn't already been blushing a little at his thanks, that would have gotten her. Oh god? What if she's got food on her face like a clueless idiot?? How could he possibly make that sort of face at her when she looks like that?]

Um.

[She'd almost rather brush it aside, especially since her worries have moved on from sentimentality, but go figure, it's something she cares about and is pretty happy that it's something Teo obviously cares about, too, for his own reasons. Being able to share that piece of herself and accept his in turn was really nice! And here she is getting distracted about potential sauce face. The worst. Her elbow, belated but gentle, returns the bump.]

Yeah. ...Yeah.

[She manages one of her little smiles again, the kind that suggested she was keeping a bigger one secret beneath it, before trotting on ahead a bit to a door that doesn't look as cozy as the others and had a wider opening.]

Maintenance! Um, there is a guy in the corner...

[A body that she can't tell was alive or undead when it was killed, and it wasn't really her business. She's here for housekeeping carts! Letting Teo know seemed...polite?]

[She gets in her head a lot, but he doesn't mind. He wonders what she thinks about, how she feels about this or that, but asking means he's got to pull her from her other world and the answers wouldn't come as naturally then anyway. What they've got going? It's comfortable. It's just fine.

He's smiling right up to the maintenance door, eager for tomfoolery. He's just about to push inside when she gives her warning. He stops, looks through the window, and see him. His shoulders and his smile fall at once.

He pushes, letting go of her. He drifts past any cart and instead moves to the dead man, crouching before him. The blood is dry. It's been a while. He speaks softly.]

I'm sorry... This isn't... a good place to rest... We mean to live... We hope... you won't mind...

[He reaches out and draws the dead man in, almost in embrace, only to haul the corpse up. He lifts it and carries it to the door. To Ryder, he says;]

I'll just be... a moment...

[She drifts in behind him, and for a brief second that she'd feel ashamed of even if it turned out to be true, she's a little worried he's going over to inspect the body for continued breakfast purposes after all. She discards that thought before he lowers himself, and comes to a stop with her arms crossed so she can observe what he's doing quietly instead of trying to come up with an explanation.

It's worse than her imagination, though it disgusts her to admit it. Ryder isn't so callous that she'd see a corpse as nothing but a set piece, but it wasn't until her eyes were drifting shut that she let herself wonder about the people they used to be. She'd come up with names for them, and take their story backwards from their resting place to who they might have been until she had to move onto the next face or fell asleep. In the end, though, that left them as stories. Teo humanized them again, and Ryder looks away when he lifts the body up and cradles it on his way out. There's only a short hum of acknowledgement from her.

She doesn't wait around for him to return, though her reason for heading out again isn't nearly so heartfelt.]

"Yeah, man, you go be a good person and mourn someone you didn't know, I've actually gotta be a sec, too! Bathroom break! Gee, being alive sure is inconvenient, huh, Teo? Oops!" Fucking christ. You suck. You don't deserve him.

[But the good news is that for as much as she wants to berate herself, peeing doesn't actually take a lot of time and she can't do an in-depth analysis on just how shitty of a human that didn't deserve to be the living one here she was. She could go look for Teo again, but...it feels like it's something she shouldn't intrude on. By this point, doing so kind of even seems selfish, too. Back to maintenance and guiltily nudging a cart back and forth until he comes back.]

[He feels guilty. He feels a little foolish. Ryder wanted to enjoy things and they were just about to have fun. Now he's going and holding it up, holding her up, because he's giving attention to one of thousand corpses.

It's not that this body is special. It's the fact that it's not one in a pile. It's not an overwhelming task the way it would be to mind every dead soul on the street. He always feels like he should do something but knows he simply can't care for that many.

The living... the living came first. He had to care for the people still alive, the ones who needed it most. But when he could spare a minute? He wanted to do this too.

It's not much. It mostly involves laying the man outside, on green grass and under sky. It's no burial, but it's better than some closed-off room, like he died in. He bids the man to sleep well and leaves him.

He's back to Ryder a moment or two later, fidgeting with fingerless gloves, head ducked in embarrassment.]

Sorry... I know that... was weird... um... We still... good to go...?

[He tries to smile.]

[She's just crouched and reached out to wiggle a wheel when Teo returns, and she's quick to get back to attention.]

Um --

[His apology makes her furrow her brows, and though she opens her mouth, she doesn't have words ready. Absolutely ridiculous. All those words she babbled out when no one was around, and double that number that ran around her head at all times. How does she not have words now? She tries again without giving much effort, because she knows she has to save it for what's next. After another beat of silence, Ryder takes the quick few steps to close the gap between them and bury her face in his chest. Her fingers curl in cloth so he can't escape too far if her pulls away. He's good. He shouldn't be apologizing because he's good, and if being near her made him happy, she wants to give that to him. It might also scare him, but she's certain -- and stubborn -- enough for the both of them. He deserves it, just as much as he didn't have to apologize for doing the right thing.]

[His smile falters and falls as she remains more or less silent. She has trouble, sometimes, he knows, but she's not usually completely quiet on him. Was it so bad, what he did? Is she annoyed? Angry? Disgusted?

When she tries and fails a second time, he starts to shrink in on himself, discouraged. He opens his own mouth to apologize again, to suggest he can go, if she'd prefer that.

Then she steps close.

His breath catches. He freezes, going utterly still.]

Ryder--?

[Her name is choked out, faint. He's definitely scared. This is so close. She could be so easily infected. She could be hurt, bitten, killed.]

What...?

[Even just her pulse could be making things harder, she realizes again when she can feel it quicken, both their nerves climbing. She shudders out an exhale, but holds her breath after to hopefully bring it back down, but mostly because she can tell how tense he's getting. He didn't want her to touch dried blood on his clothes. He wanted to keep a blanket between them. She's sure he wouldn't want her to breathe him in. It helps that she's still getting the path from her brain and her tongue on track, so there's no impulse to inhale in preparation of words.

Assured that he isn't, at least, going to push her away, Ryder loosens her grip on his clothes so that she can instead wrap her arms fully around him and shift to rest the side of her head on his chest instead. He doesn't have the same obvious traitor inside him, his heart dead and still instead of flip-flopping all over the place stupidly. Her eyes close and she pretends she can hear it anyway, own pulse serving as his for her imagination.]

...It's not fair.

[It's not news. None of it is fair, and everyone knows that already. It's the apocalypse, after all. But this -- Teo especially -- isn't fair in the least. Why him and not her? Why couldn't she know him before, so that maybe she could remember what he'd forgotten, or she could have become a better person than the one here now? Why did he have to feel so much for them all, every body whether there was life there or not? Why was he alone except for her?

How, despite all that, can he still manage to be like this?]

I just -- ...You're good. [Her heart hurts. She should probably breathe again soon. The thought makes her hug him tighter, reluctant to let go now that she's made it this far.] I wish you -- I'm just glad.

[That he isn't like the others, no matter who those "others" were.

She wishes she could do more without making him even more scared, Also without looking like a crazy person, frankly, because they just met, and he's missing chunks of himself both physically and mentally. Putting the "strange" in stranger, huh... Good work, Ry.]

I wanted -- to hold you. You're so good, I think -- I think you might not be real. So I-I wanted...

[But she's out of air, having forced herself to talk, to try to explain herself and all the feelings that she isn't sure how to name. It's time to step back again.]

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